As everyone knows my dad died June 27, 2002 by committing suicide. After his death, as with any death by suicide, you go through all of the emotions and questions, why, what could I have done, was it my fault...etc. These are never ending questions that constantly haunt you. Even when you have reached a place of acceptance and know that there is nothing you could have done to stop it, or change it, and realized that it wasn't your fault or the fault of anyone else. Even after the acceptance those questions are always there at the corner of your mind waiting on you to have a moment of weakness so that they can try to creep back in.
So many people have so many opinions and views that they, in their own way try to express to you. While there are several that stick out in my mind I will only mention two. "Suicide is a sin and there is no way a person who commits it can ever go to heaven." "Since he suffered from depression, there must have been some sort of 'secret sin' in his life" These statements were made by people that if I so chose to list their names, almost everyone who reads this would know them. These statements showed me that some of the people who we think are so spiritual are really just ignorant.
Someone recently made the statement to me that maybe my Dad could not live by the standards that the churches and preachers he preached for required. After thinking about it for awhile I have to agree that I think it's true. I think he had a hard enough time trying to live to what he thought his own standards were. Growing up I can remember that my Dad constantly made it a point to tell us that he didn't care what people think, but by his actions, I could tell that he cared too much about what others thought. He knew that if some of what he called 'friends' knew about some of the things we as a family knew, that they would crucify him. But for some reason he felt that he had something to prove to them.
This same person that made me stop and think about the standards that some people try to impose also made a very profound statement with which I completely agree, "Jesus came to set us free and by imposing their own rules, which they have no right to do, they once again live in bondage...very sad."
Sister, your father had a terrible illness, one that I share. Today I told my lovely wife that if it were not for her, I would set in the yard, look up in the sky and blow my brains out. Am I Saved? Yes, without any doubt. I am intelligent. I have an IQ that is (almost) off the scale. I've been to doctors that all tell me the same thing: "Whatever it is that make you so smart is what gives you chronic clinical depression." My Christian brothers and sisters tell me (or I have heard them tell others) that "If I was right with God I wouldn't have this problem" or "There must be some terrible sin I am hiding." People are so cruel - Yet, it's not the fault of The Lord - I try very hard to keep that in mind. Probably, like your Dad, I despair - "Why, if I am a child of God, do I feel this bad?" "Why, if I am a child of God, do all these bad things happen to me?"
ReplyDeleteMy best friend tells me that "With all you've been through, you should have faith that people are in awe of." He means it as an encouragement, and he is right - but it hurts.
Your dad had an illness - a disease - would they condemn him if he had cancer or Alzheimer's Disease? Some days (like today) the "pressure" from this is so bad, I could almost do it... but I won't. I promised my wife when we got married I would take care of her.
Please - don't be mad at your dad. He just didn't see any way out.
(by the way - the name displayed is not my real name or my real account)
Rufus,
ReplyDeleteDepression is a serious illness, and just judging by several of your statements in your post I do hope that you are seeking professional help. As someone who has dealt with and throughly studied this disease, I can tell you that it can be managed and treated if you are willing to seek the right kind of help. Just seeing a regular physician is not the proper kind of care that you need, you need to seek psychiatric care. If you had cancer you would go to a oncologist, if you had heart trouble you would go to a cardiologist. So when matters of the brain are in question, then help should be sought through a specialist in that field. This is something that my father refused to do, and I feel that if he had, things would have turned out a lot different then they did.
While for years I was mad and angry at my dad, I can fully say that I have let that go. I no longer harbor bitterness or resentment towards my dad for what he did. And if you somehow feel that is what was meant by my post you obviously interpreted it wrong. One another note if I was angry, upset, or bitter towards my dad then that is my right. No one has the right to tell someone else how they should think or feel about any person or situation.
I pray that God will help you and your family with your situation.